It seems that the motivation for any act is simple: if you want — do it, if you don't want — don't. However, human nature is more multifaceted and therefore contradictory. Sometimes we fall into unnecessary destructiveness because we do not know how to honestly admit to ourselves our existing emotions and needs.
What is happening to us?
When we engage in self-sabotage, tension builds up within us. We deceive ourselves and constantly come up with excuses for ourselves, given the prevailing circumstances, external factors, and other reasons that prevent us from realizing our plans and justifying inaction. This leads to the fact that we return to our usual circumstances and environment. It is a vicious circle - we don’t want to, but being in a comfort zone is much easier than taking a step into the unknown.
Why are we afraid of risk?
Our psyche is arranged in such a way that we are afraid of change. Experience teaches us that the familiar is safe and the new. And the new is always the unknown. This is a risk. Russian roulette. That is why the brain will try to push back any changes as much as possible, sabotaging them in every possible way. The cause-and-effect relationships of our brain only reinforce this process. Thus, we are likely to go off the beaten path when we come across a new opportunity that means breaking old attitudes and habits or simply making an effort with an as-yet-unknown result. We know which options are secure, how to deal with well-known situations, how to behave in these circumstances, and what the expected result we can get from this. Comfortable, isn’t it?
Hidden value
Sometimes we lie to ourselves because our true needs and desires are of great importance to us. Yes, in an ideal picture of the world, the eyes are afraid, and the hands are doing it, but in reality, the fear of investing our time and human resources in something very important and being disappointed, hurt, and, as a result, have a painful fall, makes us choose something already existing, guaranteed. Safe option.
This can apply to any area in which a person feels vulnerable — career, family, friendship, or romantic relationships. As the saying goes, "A bird in the hand is better than a bird in the sky." I disagree. Limiting ourselves in the range of our desires, and looking for excuses, limits us from having a sincere experience and living our emotions.
Of course, it is essential to connect rational thinking to emotions. However, we are not robots; avoiding our feelings only makes things worse for ourselves.
Who is self-sabotaging?
Based on the reading, we can assume that emotionally immature, unsuccessful people sabotage their needs. However, it is not. Self-sabotage can be non-linear and manifest only in a particular field of life. For instance, someone will stop themselves from moving to another country because it implies a complete change of scenery. Someone will never send a resume to a dream company. Someone will avoid their feelings for another person with might and mind because getting love is easier than taking the risk of falling for someone.
The fear of failure and rejection is at the root of each fear. This can be influenced by experiences from the parental home, traumatic experiences from the past, and, if we are talking about human relationships, the type of attachment.
Our unprocessed fears come out the most in relationships with other people (and the closer they are, the stronger). Because it is impossible to follow the same model in order to build any relationship. You need to learn to listen to yourself, listen and hear the other person, and understand both others’ and your triggers and fears. It requires work and patience, which is much more complicated than sending a resume. Now, let's imagine that you have an avoidant attachment type.
You can be a great professional at work but need help to build close communication. It could be a friendship, or it could be a romantic relationship. Avoidant people choose loose relationships or relationships where they only allow others to love them. The thought that they can become very attached to someone and experience the pain of disappointment (I remind you that any new experience is a risk) will make them stay as far away from such an experience as possible. Most likely, they will initially ban themselves from developing anything. The wheel of Samsara will keep spinning; they will not feel a sense of fullness, but they will not dare to change anything. Only the characters and circumstances will be different.
How to stop self-sabotaging?
There is only one recipe for self-sabotage: Do it, even when it is scary. Especially when it's scary, we are afraid of being vulnerable, of hearing "no." We are so scared of losing our value, of being rejected, and of thus replacing our actual needs with a surrogate. You need to remember that every time we do not make a choice consciously, following the lead of our fears, we close ourselves in a cage.
The best is the enemy of the good. But only because the "best" makes us come out of the shadows and shows our fears and insecurities. It calls into question our past experiences and habitual patterns of behavior. But that's what it's best for, through overcoming fear, to come to something more, which we will never experience if we keep walking in circles.
"The pony runs in circles." It may be time to go beyond the territory of the circus arena and finally see what is beyond the horizon.